Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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