Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
