i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
