Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
