Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.