got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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