At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?