So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
