I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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