literally had 100 drinks last night.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
