it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
