This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
