Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
