her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
