I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
