I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
