Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
