Your face is a jimmy john
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I want a musical about memes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
