Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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