you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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