Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
