I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
