mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
YAS. BRING CRAB.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
