Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
They are going to name an STD after you.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
