If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
