I wish my penis had an off switch
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
