Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
