Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
