If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
