i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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