someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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