i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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