Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
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I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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