I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
