No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
