nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
