My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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