I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
