so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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