Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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