I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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