I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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