So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
