apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
