I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just cropdusted the office
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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