My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
