My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
