Will you blow on my dice?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
