You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
