How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Welp...herpes.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
