I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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