hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
