im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
