I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
