You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.